Community Values

 

Based on Matthew 18:15-20

            This pandemic we are enduring has reminded us how precious it is to be physically together. Talking to each other through screens is not the same. We miss being together. Thankfully, we are doing better as a community to slow the spread. There have been some upticks in some places. But we are definitely not seeing our hospitals overrun. We are starting to come back together, slowly and responsibly re-establishing community life. We are still staying physically separated, still wearing masks, still limiting the size of groups that can gather. But at least we are increasingly getting physically gathered and that is a good thing. For our health we need socialization. This is a positive thing that our diligence over these six months is making possible.

            As we are re-establishing community life, it is like we are getting a chance to start fresh. We are being mindful about how we gather and do life together as a community. For sure that means how we engage with each other to minimize the spread of viruses of any kind, especially as we think of flu season right around the corner. But also, we can be thinking about what we value about being in community and letting those values guide how we live together in relationship. What is the value of being together?

            The scripture reading for today is a brief five verses that provide concise instruction on how to manage conflict in a community. These instructions are grounded in a few values that Matthew’s community held, values that we can apply in the communities we belong to, not just our church family but all the communities we belong to, work, social groups, whatever. Let’s take a look at these instructions and see what we can glean from them to help us intentionally re-start our life together in community.

            First, let’s state the obvious…we sometimes offend each other. As we start socializing again, this increases the odds that one of us will say something or do something, intentional or unintentional, that rubs someone the wrong way. That’s just what happens. For a community to be healthy, conflict has to be addressed in a healthy way. The values we hold as a community can go a long way in guiding us in the work of addressing conflict in positive ways.

            See how in verse 15 a literal translation would be, “if a brother sins against you…”. This is family language. We are not talking about strangers offending you, but people you consider to be your brother or sister. The relationship is one of kinship. The community that Matthew is writing to, his church, is conceived of as like family. We have people in our life who are not blood relation but are like family to us.

            What makes someone family who is not related to you by blood or marriage? It is someone you have a significant relationship with. You love each other, respect and trust each other. Someone who is like a brother or sister to you is someone who you are committed to, someone you want the best for, someone you are invested in and want to help them grow. You are going to be with them through the hard times, call them to task when they mess up, encourage and give advice and support. From the beginning of these instructions Jesus gives, it is inferred that the relationships in the church is one of family. It seems to me that before this process in Matthew 18 can even work, these baseline values have to be in place. The community has to be one of mutual trust, respect, and love for each other. If those values are wavering or absent, then this process of accountability isn’t going to work.

            Notice that the one who has been offended has to take responsibility to speak up for themselves. They have to talk directly to the person that offended them. Not go complain to someone else, not suck it up and internalize the hurt, not become passive aggressive or ghost the person that offended you. If someone has hurt you, offended you, sinned against you as the scriptures say, you have to take the initiative to talk to the person that offended you and not wait for that person to come to you. It is likely that the person that offended you didn’t even know they did anything wrong. Unintentional offense happens all the time. Do you see why trusting and respecting each other is necessary before doing such a thing? It seems to me that before you can tell someone that they have offended you there needs to be some level of trust that the person will listen to you. There has to be some level of respect. If you don’t respect someone, why would you care what they do to you? Why bother? But if you respect someone and they do something that you know is out of character, and you want what’s best for them, it is that love and respect that prompts you to pull them aside and talk about it.

            Now see how the accountability starts small and only expands as necessary. You start by pulling the person aside privately to have a word. Discretion is the value here. You want to save the person from embarrassment. You don’t want to call them out in front of everyone because that can be hurtful. Instead, you want to call the person in where the two of you can talk about it, try to understand each other and grow. This is taking the offensive or hurtful experience and doing something positive with it, to let it be an opportunity to grow but also to strengthen the bond of trust and respect. Talking to the person who offended you privately strengthens the values that hold the community together as a family. Just having the private conversation is good.

            We are instructed that all the offender has to do is listen. That’s a low bar. They don’t have to admit they did something wrong. They don’t have to ask for forgiveness. They don’t have to agree with you at all. All they have to do, according to Matthew 18:15, is listen to you. Remember, listening is not the same as agreeing. I don’t think Kim and I are the only couple that have had this kind of argument. I have a certain way of doing certain chores. Kim has a better and more efficient way of doing things. Sometimes she will suggest to me how I should do it. But I keep on doing it the way I do it. She will say, “You’re not listening to me.” And I say in response, “No, I heard you, but that’s not what I’m going to do.” Listening and agreeing are not the same thing. What we are being instructed here is that the offender only has to be willing to listen to the person who has been offended. Now, obviously if there is already mutual trust and respect for each other, the offender will acknowledge the hurt and, even if they still think they haven’t done anything wrong or have been misunderstood they will at least acknowledge the offense and ask for forgiveness. There have been a few times where something I have said in one of my messages has caused people to be offended. In fact, one time I got a phone call from a parishioner one Sunday afternoon telling me how offended he was about something I said and his expectation that I wouldn’t say such things again. It was something I said about racism. I knew that what I had said may be offensive but it was truth. But I acknowledged he was offended even though I could not promise him that I wouldn’t offend him in the future. Listening and agreeing are not the same thing.

            But let’s say the person who offended you won’t even listen to you. They wave you off. Then you take one or two others with you and set up a meeting so you can talk it out with a neutral party. And if they still blow everyone off, then you take it to the church. And by that point, if the person won’t even listen to the church, then they have already essentially exited themselves from the community. It is clear that they have lost trust and respect for the community. So, you let them go. They are no longer your brother or sister. It’s just naming the reality of how the relationship has changed.

            So, if someone exits themselves from the community, then the church re-identifies them as like a Gentile or tax collector instead of like a brother or sister. That means the church relates to them differently. The relationship is not cut off, it is changed. What does that new relationship look like? Jesus gave the example for them. One of the critiques leveled against Jesus was that he ate with tax collectors and Gentile sinners. So, looks to me like when someone exits themselves from the church then the church treats them like tax collectors and Gentiles by breaking bread together. If that person that offended you has lost your trust and respect and has walked away from the church, reach out every now and then and see if the two of you could get together for coffee. In other words, keep the line of communication open, or, as Jesus talks about in vv. 10-14, take on the role of the shepherd who leaves the ninety-nine to go after the one sheep who went astray. The principle is that although the relationship has changed, the person is no longer like a brother or sister to you, that doesn’t mean that you have to walk away from them. Grab a coffee, have lunch, keep the conversation light, just hang out. Don’t burn bridges. That’s the principle underlying this teaching.

            Is this instruction we receive from Jesus and passed along by Matthew idealistic? You bet. But we need ideals so we know what to aim for. These directions on how to deal with conflict, and the values and principles that undergird these instructions, give us an ideal for us to strive to create in our communities, whether it be the church, our family we live with, our social circles, whatever relations we have that are like family to us. These aren’t instructions for society at large. It is meant for those smaller, more intimate communities we belong to. We are challenged to do the work of relationship building, to address conflict in ways that seek to keep each other in the family, even as we keep the circle open as we socialize with others who aren’t yet family and see if we can’t bring others in or bring people back in. As we all start the process of re-starting our in-person relationships, I hope we all keep these values in mind and let them guide how we go about renewing our communities of family.