Showing Up When Unsure

Based on Matthew 28:16-20
First delivered June 7, 2020
Rev. Dr. Kevin Orr 

            It had been heady times, a great adventure, for Jesus and his disciples. They went from place to place, watching Jesus work miracles and teach about God in ways that touched people deeply. The disciples were the inner circle. They got to have private gatherings with Jesus. Maybe they even had Jesus pray for them. The inner, inner circle, Peter, James, and John, got to see Jesus transfigured before them on that mountain top as Jesus chatted with Moses and Elijah. Surely, they knew the privilege they had to be the companions of Jesus. They must have thought about what their lives would be like in the years to come, the power and influence they will hold as the ones closest to the messiah.

            Then things started to get derailed. After that glorious experience of Jesus’ transfiguration, Jesus started talking about his death. He cursed a fig tree. He lamented over Jerusalem. He turned over the tables of the money changers. He talked about signs of the end times. Surely the energy among Jesus and the disciples started to shift. The tension was rising. And then, Judas makes his move, getting paid off to betray Jesus. The arrest, the trial, the beating, the crucifixion, those dark and troubling days of Jesus’ passion. The disciples abandoned Jesus in their fear. Everything had turned upside down. They suddenly found themselves with a potential target on their own backs. It happened so fast. It had to be so disorienting. And then, to shake things up even more, some women reported that Jesus was alive, that an angel had told them to tell the disciples to go to Galilee, where Jesus would see them. What does this mean? Where do we go from here, they wondered.

            The disciples are gathered together on the mountain top Jesus had directed them to. There were only eleven. Judas, the one who was paid off as he betrayed Jesus, had committed suicide. The community of disciples was broken. There were supposed to be twelve, representing the twelve tribes of Israel. Judas was gone. And each of them had also betrayed Jesus in their own way. They still had targets on their backs as the rumor was spread that during the night, they had stolen Jesus’ body as part of a conspiracy to fool everyone. They were emotionally bruised and tender. They were ashamed of how they had acted, how they had failed to stand by Jesus. They were confused. They were filled with joy that Jesus was alive again. They had all kinds of feelings. Just a few months prior, they thought they knew how things would go as Jesus took his place as messiah and king. Now? Everything was jumbled up. Nothing had gone like they thought it would. So, as they gather on that mountain top, in obedience to what Jesus had told them to do, they wondered, what now?

            They all showed up, the eleven. And when they saw Jesus for the first time in his resurrected body, they bowed down and they worshiped him. But some doubted. This doubt was not skepticism. They did not doubt that was Jesus before them. Their doubt was about themselves, about their own faith, their own worthiness to be in the presence of the risen Lord. Their faith was weak. They felt shame. They felt chastened. They were shook. They didn’t know what their role was now or what would happen next. They were uncertain about their own future. They all worshiped, but some doubted, or maybe the better translation is, they all had some doubt.

            I wouldn’t say that we entered 2020 as if life was a great adventure. I think many of us had some trepidation over this year because of the divisiveness of our politics and that we would have to slog through a presidential election. As United Methodists, we saw 2020 as the year that we would likely formalize the reorganization of the church, maybe even a split. We knew this was going to be a hard year when January 1 came and went. None of us knew that in the past few months we would experience a virus that swept the world, killing hundreds of thousands of people, fundamentally changing how we live our daily lives, shutting down our economy which will shudder through our society in the months ahead as joblessness persists and evictions rise, and then the explosive unrest over the ongoing reality of unarmed black people being killed by those who are committed to serve and protect. This has been a few months that has turned all our lives upside down. We are all shaken. Our emotions are tender. We have a lot of questions about where we are and where we are headed as a nation.

            We gather virtually for worship, watching this worship video on YouTube, something we did not know would happen back in March. But as we gather for worship as followers of Jesus, some of us are unsure. We are unsure about what lays ahead. We are unsure about how the economic fallout will impact us. We are unsure about how we are to live, what we are to do, in the face of these overwhelming challenges, crises upon crises. It’s so much. Everything has been stirred up. Tensions are high. We are gathered for worship. But some of us doubt.

            As these doubting, uncertain disciples gathered for worship on that mountaintop, Jesus came to them. He did not make them come to him. He came to where they were. What an act of grace and love. He closed the gap between himself and them. He told them that he has been given all authority on heaven and earth. He is the one they are to look to, to trust, to follow. There is no one else worthy of their following than Jesus. As the one with authority, Jesus told the disciples what they needed to do. As they went on their way, they were to make disciples among all the nations of the earth. They make disciples by baptizing people, initiating them into the community of disciples. And they are to teach the way of Jesus, by precept and example. As a community of disciples, Jesus calls them to demonstrate to the world what it means to be a follower of Jesus, what that looks like. And, to make sure they had the strength and support they needed to engage in this mission, Jesus said he would be with them always, even to the end of the age. Jesus would always be by their side. Jesus would always have their back. That’s what Jesus said to these uncertain disciples.

            No matter where we are, how we are doing, how we are feeling, Jesus comes to us. He does not make us come to him. Jesus comes to us wherever we are. Jesus reminds us of his authority as the Son of God, the word made flesh, our savior, our Lord, our redeemer. We may sometimes wonder if there are any leaders among us. A recent opinion piece in the New York Times asked that question. As we look out at our nation, and how we are tearing apart, the opinion writer asks, where is the leader that can pull our nation together? Who is that leader that will stand up and speak into this crisis, to give us words of comfort and hope, to let us know we can get through this, that better days are ahead? We used to look to the president to be that comforter-in-chief. But that voice is silent. I say that the leader we are looking for is Jesus Christ. He is the one with all the authority. He is the one who is always there for us. He is the one who gives us comfort. He is the one who comes to us, wherever we are. Jesus is the one we look to, the one whose authority we recognize.

            Jesus gives us our call to action. Our call is to make disciples. But let’s be honest, we are all works in progress when it comes to our discipleship. None of us are finished. Not that we are off the hook. Even as we are working on our own discipleship, our Lord has called us to show others the way of Jesus, to teach others how to live a life of love as Jesus has taught us. We have to learn and teach how to live the way of Jesus in these times: these times of pandemic, of economic strain, and of social unrest. We have to learn and teach how to live the way of Jesus in these times when our institutions, government, commerce, the church, education, the legal system, all the institutions, are under such stress. We have to learn and teach how to live the way of Jesus in these times when we are polarized, when we don’t share the same set of facts, where people talk past each other, where it seems common decency is hard to come by. These are the times where Jesus is calling us to make disciples even as we are being made in our own discipleship. In the face of all of this, as we look to our leader, Jesus, and hear his call to action, we are unsure and uncertain. We have some doubts.

            But the one who comes to us where we are never leaves us. Jesus said he will be with us always, even to the very end of the age. Even when we experience our times of doubt, of uncertainty, times where we don’t believe we have it in us to do what Jesus is calling us to do, when we feel like we are always falling short, times when we feel overwhelmed by it all and just want the craziness to stop, and we become weary and falter even in our faith, in all of that mess Jesus is still with us. He will never let us go. We are not left to fend for ourselves. We have Jesus. We have each other. We are a part of the community of Jesus followers. And we are all working through these times together as best we can.

            If you have some doubts, about yourself, about others, about the future, about God, I understand. There are times where I have doubts too. I have never doubted God. But I sometimes doubt myself. And sometimes I doubt if things will ever get to where they need to be, when there will finally be peace with justice. But you still showed up. I still showed up. I made this video and you watched it. In spite of our doubts, we showed up. And Jesus has come to us. He has met us where we are. And he has called us, as we go, to bring others into the fold and teach them the way of Jesus. This is the calling we have received. In spite of our doubt, uncertainty and hesitation, we must do this work. And we must do this work together. With faith, not in ourselves but in Jesus, and hope for a better day, held in the loving embrace of God, let’s keep going forward. Let’s keep doing the work.